?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
30 August 2010 @ 11:13 pm
so that was a good day, this is a bad night  
i keep wanting to do this 'this is the start of the rest of my life' post and talk about the good things that have been happening but for tonight I'm just getting out somethign that made me cry.

I went back over to the old house today to give him his birthday present, because it's his birthday, and because I'd bought him something and it was cool.  We're doing ok.  We check in on each other's lives.  I only walk through the house once and glance into the bedroom.

And there is a little piece of artwork that Daria bought on my nightstand.  And a candle.

In the empire of signs we live in this may not look like much.  But men don't use candles much when they're sad, and Neil particularly hasn't in the past ever used them.

Which means that Daria is bringing them into what used to be our bedroom, setting them down on what used to be my side of the bed, and in all likely hood, she's staying.

I have no idea if it's in a sexual capacity or not.  I tend to think no, because that's even more fucked up than fucked up could be, less than a week after we break up.

On the other hand?  I wouldn't exactly put it past her to pull something like that.  Or to attempt it.  Or to be sleeping in our old bed in some warped and fucked up attempt at comfort that has more to do with her own selfish crap than anything else.

And it made me cry.

Also, while I'm getting things off my chest, I have something to share.  Because fuck it, this is my journal and I'll share it. 



[words in brackets are my own translation of her typing as i'm fairly sure she was drunk]

Daria: Hi ... You there?

Kate: i am! at least for a min or two
how are you?

Daria: I'm ok.
Just want to know that you're ok
you haven't called

Kate: i'm doing ok - one day at a time mostly

Daria: or written
I love you

Kate: this is true. i kind of needed to take a break.
i love you too

Daria: I understand that you need a break
but I really love you
and the dog is becominb unbearable [becoming]

Kate: lots of barking?

Daria: I know that you and Neil broke up. Yes, lots.
The think is that my life is seriously impacted by what y'll di
[the thing is that my life is seriously impacted by what y'all did]

Kate: sorry lady, i know that's tough. and i'm sorry that i'm leaving her with you

Daria: I love you. So it's no sacrifice

Kate: i know your life is affected. but so is mine.

Daria: right. of course it is
fI'm trying to bridge a gap between us
And I'm not sure that you'll allow that to happen

Kate: ok, i hear that, but i'm not in a position right now to really do much but take care of myself.

Daria: jright. Am okay with that
I',m not enemy
[I'm not the enemy]

Kate: i don't think you are at all. but when you talk about my break up in terms of how it affects you as if i'm supposed to do something about that or offer comforting words? i don't have comfort for myself.

Daria: The truth is that you have treated me as a gateway to neil

Kate: this conversation is over.

Sent at 9:05 AM on Friday  [this is where i closed the computer and walked the fuck away.  Sadly or not gchat allows the other person to keep typing]

Daria: even though i was trying to ne YOUR friend
[even though i was trying to be YOUR friend]
no
Please let me
don't go away
Please
Pklease


Now, for someone who I HAVEN'T FUCKING HAD A REAL CONVERSATION WITH IN ALMOST A YEAR BECAUSE OF HER OWN SELF INVOLVEMENT TO SAY I USED HER AS A FUCKING GATEWAY TO MY OWN BOYFRIEND?  fuck her.  fuck her.

Yeah, so, she is no longer my friend.  I let Neil know that I don't want to be back in the house if she's there and he's not.  I didn't want to repeat what she said, so I just said that she was saying hurtful things and that I didn't want to get into it.  But having thought about the fact that my old nightstand is getting colonized with her stuff?  That  makes me want to email him the conversation so he can see how determined she was to make it about her and how determined she was to go for my throat (because even though it may not seem like it, that's exactly what that was - she was trying to hit me where she thought it would hurt the most... just like the one argument where I was calling her on the fact she'd been drinking and she started to talk about my weight - she goes for the emotional jugular to throw one off base).

It's not an impulse I'm going to actually engage in.  That's why I'm posting it here instead, to you guys.  But fuck her.  Fuck that.  Fuck this.  I have homework.  gah.
 
 
 
chosenfire28: AI - Kris/Adam - faceplant hug anichosenfire28 on August 31st, 2010 06:21 am (UTC)
*HUGS HARD*
gray_ghostgray_ghost on August 31st, 2010 06:26 am (UTC)
Well that's going to turn into a total cluster fuck for both of them. I think you're in a much better place away from that now even though it hurts.
gray_ghostgray_ghost on August 31st, 2010 08:04 am (UTC)
And yes - I guess that means I think your suspicions are correct. Actually - I'm positive.


But can we reserve just a little anger for Neil? I know Daria is the 'evil bitch from hell' at present, but it does take two.

Malmalnpudl on August 31st, 2010 06:28 am (UTC)
Wow. That sends my instincts right into FOADIAF territory.

I'm glad you walked away from interaction with her. Sounds like nothing good can come of it, especially at present.

*huge hugs*

I hope you've got sources of kindness and comfort from people you can trust. Wish I lived closer so I could do more.
Blue: SG1 :: Daniel :: Grayblue_meridian on August 31st, 2010 06:33 am (UTC)
Whoah, kudos to you for shutting that conversation down cold.
Arielkikucutie on August 31st, 2010 08:57 am (UTC)
Unbelievable. You are by far the bigger person. Your actions prove that.

Talk about starting anew. Life will still offer many bumps along the journey, but I don't think it's a stretch to say that it'll be a lot better without her dragging you down. Maybe it's for the best.
literate and stylish: csi ryan huh?mishloran on August 31st, 2010 09:14 am (UTC)
Christ almighty. I was worried about this. In fact, after your 'announcement' (that looks really wrong, but I guess what else is telling peeps your life is changed?), she is the reason I thought of. But then, probably that is also letting my own previous relationship interfere with my thoughts towards yours, I thought. But. *bites lip* damn, it certainly looks like something fishy is going on. She's emotionally crippled enough to do it, and emotionally sneaky enough to sneak around sneakily. Hmm. I am not impressed. AND she said all that stuff to you? FORGET her, she's NO good. You've been helping her for so long now I forget when you started; you let her into your life and have been her rock. When it's time for a pebble from her, even? And she says THOSE THINGS and acts THAT WAY? Mate.

*HUGS you hard*

Walk away. It's not worth it. You have proper friends elsewhere. Okay, so I'm on the internet but you do have people I'm certain of it, and this girl is just Trouble in times of emotion.

(Also I am impressed with your ability to go over to where he is. I could not.)

Mostly.

*cuddles you tightly*
(no subject) - shehasathree on August 31st, 2010 10:23 am (UTC) (Expand)
Taraelementalv on August 31st, 2010 10:41 am (UTC)
I hate it when people try to co-opt drama that doesn't belong to them. You did the right thing in walking away and letting Neil know your boundaries.
BJdara_starscream on August 31st, 2010 11:26 am (UTC)
(snuzzle)
-BJ
your royal pie-nessentrenous88 on August 31st, 2010 12:34 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you stopped the conversation with her.

The stuff she is saying to you is absolutely inexcusable, and I'm sorry you had to deal with it.

*hugs tight*

For a long time when you've spoken about her I've felt her to be a toxic person. It's very tough to see what love or friendship or giving she brings to the interactions you've had with her.

At this point, I think it is completely appropriate to recognize you have put PLENTY of energy and love into that friendship, and now it is time to close the door on it and give your time and energies to yourself and to people who will fulfill more of a give and take in their friendships and relationships with you.

Do remember what she's said -- and I'm glad you have it copied here -- because what she's done in that conversation is not just inappropriate but actively cruel. Not just selfish and horribly thoughtless, but cruel.

I would say...don't necessarily copy/paste the convo for him. Because he knows, at this point, how she is. And if he is making choices bringing him toward intimacy with her, emotional or physical, you know, HE KNOWS HOW SHE IS. So that would be very, very, very much on him, getting involved with her with all of her issues and baggage and mess.

*hugs you tight*

I'm thinking of you lots, and wishing you good things to come soon soon soon. ♥
Ariyana Kylstramariyanakylstram on August 31st, 2010 02:24 pm (UTC)
*MORE HUGS*

I barely know Neil anymore, and I don't think I know her at all, but my spidey senses agree with yours - and you know what?

It's hard to say now, but keep repeating this to yourself:

"Not my fucking problem anymore"

It's not, they're not, and regardless of what happens to them in the future, it is no reflection on you.

The only thing that reflects upon you now is your behavior, which seems to be totally within the bounds of civility and then some.

He's not your problem anymore, and neither is she. Whatever trouble they get into, separately or together, is for them to deal with.

(and there's still room at the inn in SF if you need some more drastic space. just holler)
Kivrinkivrin on August 31st, 2010 02:46 pm (UTC)
what. the fuck.

I'm so, so sorry you have to deal with this shit from her. And so impressed and glad that you immediately saw her manipulation for what it was, called her on it, and then shut her down.

*hugs*
reremouse: half naked Xanderreremouse on September 1st, 2010 03:59 am (UTC)
You did the right thing in shutting the computer and walking away. That conversation couldn't have gone anywhere that wasn't more toxic than it already got. Relationships end and it sucks hard. But there's no suckage that can't be made ten times worse by someone like her if you give them a chance. So good for you for not giving her that chance.