Got in a fight with D. about it last night - she who bizarrely maintains that I'm one of the smartest people she knows - she broke down on me because I wouldn't let go of the idea that this is hard, and that I'm afraid, and that it scares the shit out of me that I always seemed to be a mediocre student in high school, and that the only reason why I did so well in college was that they didn't use grades. But they didn't. And I did do well. But it's been years and I'm a different girl from the student I was then, and it just feels strange and weird and familiar all at the same time. And I don't want to get comfortable believing that it will all be easy because it's not.
See, the thing I seem to understand (that others find confusing) is that I simply don't do well on tests. I don't like grades. I'm always more certain of the information than I should be, though, and so give me a conversation, a round table discussion, some class participation and I'll knock your socks off. Give me a scantron and some multiple choice questions and I'll be done 20 minutes before everyone else and have a 'b' to show for it.
So I'm (I think) justifiably scared. Reasonably freaked. And the comfort of my friend telling my I'm smart isn't going to cut that fear. Her unreasonable assumption that she can stay on the phone with me and make it all go away isn't going to make it all go away. A couple of tests, some better grades, and maybe, just maybe, I'll believe I'm ready to do this thing again. Pay attention, spend the weekend doing homework, treat flashcards like friends.