my monkied brain (katekat1010) wrote,
my monkied brain
katekat1010

it was a bit of a long day

after last night's excruciatingly tasty dinner (full details later for my elizabuffy as soon as I can muster the energy).

I couldn't/didn't want to go to bed right away.  Instead I updated my goofy little buffy graphic website with all my entries from summer_of_giles, I read comfort fic, and I tried to outlast the grandpa and the father-in-law in staying away past our bedtimes.  Didn't really manage to do anything but make myself more tired today I think.

And that made it a bit hard to deal with the rush rush rush attitude of the employer.  Not that she wanted to rush me, really.  Just that she had to leave, and that kind of frantic energy is a bit infectious, and not in the pleasant way.  Then I ran home, to munch on sandwiches and say goodbye with big hugs and no tears but massively fond farewells to our houseguests.

But then I got the call.   One of those calls that makes you feel helpless and hopeless because you know you can't really change who people are or how they react or what they think about themselves. Know you can't really help because you don't really have a magic wand or special pixie dust or any of those perfect fix-its that happen in fairy tales.  A  phone call from a friend, an much beloved and long time family-type person, whose phobias I don't quite get and whose problems I don't know how to help with, not really.  So I lent my ear and my heart and my hope, said the words I could say and did the things I could do.  Which frankly, isn't much.  Not because me being there would be any different.  But because no matter what, people only change themselves.  All the encouragement, all the repeated phrases, all the reassurance that they're strong enough and smart enough, and still it comes down to them having the confidence in themselves.  And having someone else tell you that you can do it only goes so far.  And after a couple of years, I begin to sound hollow to myself.  Not that I don't believe, just hollow and repetative, and tired of saying the same things over and over and being the one who sees clearly and not the one who's fucked up.  So I got off the phone and thankfully Neil let me yell out my frustrations and GRR my wish that I could change things and took it all in stride, and by his very manner reminded me that I am not the one with the problems, so I can let them go.

So on a night when I didn't really feel like making outside contact with the world, when I looked at the phone with a slight burn in the line and a bit of a wish it wasn't an electronic leash, I was unwillingly drawn into a bit of drama.  Now all I want to do is ignore it all. At least tomorrow I can do exactly that!
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