5 Ways Xander Knows He Doesn't Love Deadboy
1. Because he's never aware of the way Spike is always moving. Nope. Xander never watches all that coiled tension, never sees the bunch of muscles under tight t-shirts or painted-on jeans.
2. Definitely not because those slim pale fingers draw his eyes. It's for sure, those fingers wouldn’t feel great spread across skin. Of course he never notices how Spike's always doing something with his hands, smoking, clenching, running those fingers in-between t-shirt and pants, revealing a little sliver of tight stomach. Nope, Xander never sees those fingers at all.
3. Because soulful eyes don't draw him in. They really don't. He's not some girl to be distracted by them when they kind of shine, especially when combined with that soft voice Spike uses sometimes when he's serious. There's no way Xander's falling for those dark eyes that kind of glow when Spike's grinning, twinkle when he's about to run into a fight, or get all soft and three shades darker when the real smile Spike shows actually transforms his face. No way.
4. Especially not because Xander's noticed that Spike is fiercely loyal. No, that's not attractive at all. That's not what makes Xander's heart flutter, when Spike gets protective and fierce, when he demands respect because he's stuck to his word. That doesn't make Xander want to curl up right next to the vampire. No, it doesn't. It really doesn't.
5. Of course it wouldn't be because Spike can be so sweet. No, there's no way Xander could love Deadboy because of his tenderness. There's no way Xander's heart skips a beat when he watches Spike stroke Dawn's hair off her face, when he sees Spike curl his arm around Tara, when he notices Spike making sure Giles stays further back in the fight so he won't get hurt.
Xander totally knows he doesn't love Deadboy for any of those reason. Totally not because any of those things at all.
...and the totally goofy and multi-partner switching Xander....
5 Ways Xander Did Not Get Knocked-Up
1. He didn't do that spell with Willow and Tara. The mystical, magical, artificial insemination spell. He didn't damnit! It was just a crazy dream brought on by too many triscuts and spray-bacon-cheeze-whip. And that was why his stomach hurt. Just the cheeze! Really!
2. He didn't run afoul of Angel and that Gnostic-whatitis demon at the same time. No, he didn't jump in the way of it's magical stick o'power, and it didn't touch his stomach. It really didn't. He didn't care WHAT Angel said.
3. He didn't follow Spike down to the cellars the other day, to clean out the M'Zarnuk nest. And even if he had, he knew he would remember Giles' warning about the possibility of breaking open the eggs and getting pregnant. Wouldn't he? Unless he'd fallen asleep during the Scooby meeting again. But... he'd always had cravings for pickles and cookies and cream ice cream. Right?
4. He didn't have sex with Spike in the middle of Restfield cemetery, spread open in the cool green grass with a blue moon hung in the sky overhead. He hadn't said those words, the words Willow claimed were the claiming spell, he really hadn't... or... he thought he hadn't ... unless he screamed them as Spike moved inside him. But he couldn't be blamed for that, could he? How was he to know that screaming out "I'm yours! I'm yours!" while having sex with a vampire during a blue moon in August when the stars were aligned in the Nostrious combination would get him pregnant? It's not like they taught you that in sex-ed.
5. He really didn't remember waking up in bed with Wesley, Angel, Spike and Giles all at the same time. And he thought he would remember, since he'd had fantasies about them all at one time or another and man, having them all happy and horny in the same place would've been a bonus his young mind wouldn't soon forget, right? He knew they'd all been playing Spin The Bottle (the drinking and kissing game) the night before, and he remembered at the time he walked into the room he’d wondering what the heck was going on and where were the girls. And he totally remembered Angel's lips were softer than he'd thought they’d be and Wesley's stubble was kind of cool, and so was Spike for that matter, and boy, how he liked the feel of Giles' hands on him. So he knew remembered all of that. But waking up? And getting pregnant? Nope, he didn't remember that at all. So it couldn't have happened then, could it? Don't remember it, didn't happen.