September 21st, 2011

cordy - kiss me quick

Spending too much time on this

The toughest part about dating again thing is that I can't figure out if I'm attracted to this guy or not.  Which probably means I'm not, right?  But then I think to myself that it's been a long while since I've looked at people and tried to figure out if I was attracted to them. I mean, a long while, since I've been in that place where attraction could actually *go* anywhere in a very very long time. 

Well, ok, no, that's not true.  I find people attractive all the time. Like the hot guy in my lecture this afternoon - if he'd wanted to make out for a while, I'd totally be ok with that.  And I've always had crushes on people in my classes, in a sort of 'oh, aren't they pretty?' kind of way.  I'd get all shy talking to them, boys or girls, but I wouldn't flirt with them or anything, I'd just be me because I had relationship!identity to fall back on.  But I definitely had types, and find people attractive. In a sexy way. But now I ask myself --  am I sure of my attraction to hot unattainable guy because I know he's unattainable, thus safe? 

Because I'm currently (this moment) not attracted to guy I went on a date with. And the way I'm feeling now, I'm not sure I was even during the date.  I think I was happy with the attention.  It was a relief to go out and meet a guy and have him be excited by me.  I haven't had that happen in a long time - the ex certainly was past that point.  It was cool again to get to flirt and have it be returned.  The possibility of *possibility* was exciting.
Note - I'm not looking for a love connection here.  I'm not even really looking for someone who I go to with my problems.  I'm looking for someone to date, and possibly have sex with.  They have to be able to speak in mostly complete sentences and display some reading skills just because I have to, you know, talk to them before and after, but this is not my search for the great romance of the century.  This is my opportunity to put all that stuff I've learned from fanfic about blowjobs into practice with human males.

So do I need to be attracted to him in the same way I'm attracted to random hot unattainable guy (or other people I've been attracted to over the years)? Or is it the 'any pizza is good pizza' motto I should run with here?

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Now i'm dithering about second date.  my friends in relationships are encouraging me to go on a second date (the "hey, he's really into you" rationale that somehow feels a little bit like a bird in the hand rationale - like 'this one is clean and healthy, and you might not get another one like him' kind of feeling).  my friends who are not in relationships are wondering along with me if its worth it (the "hey, my time is valuable, and so is his for that matter, and if i'm already bugged, get it over with now" rationale).

anybody else want to weigh in?

also posted to dreamwidth | you can reply here or there | um, but don't worry, i'm still an lj girl