my monkied brain (katekat1010) wrote,
my monkied brain

Myth is the hidden part of every story, the buried part, the region that is unexplored...

...because there are as yet no words to enable us to get there.  Myth is nourished by silence as well as by words."

~ Italio Calvino

I've just spent 20 minutes searching for the right quote to fit my mood - kind of melancholy, a little dehydrated, ultimately not bad but not completely talkative.  I don't know why I think writing from a place where I'm feeling quiet is a good idea.  Partially it's because I've left my livejournal alone for a little too long.  It's also procrastination, in a week I shouldn't procrastinate with, since I have a draft of my thesis due next week and much translation to attempt.  But this is part of the process of life, part of the way that I work.  I don't even really know how much anyone reads anymore, considering I tend to blather on too long and use too many commas.

To remember that Dallas was not a very entertaining city, although the company was fantastic, and sharing Valentine's Day with Neil's mom was really kind of sweet.  She was there for a conference, we spent the evening driving the three hour trek, and then went out to dinner at a chain pub place.  Spent the next day wandering around near the edges of downtown Dallas, finding the farmer's market but not buying any fruit, avoiding the JFK memorials even though they were unavoidable, skipping aquariums we knew wouldn't match up to places elsewhere (how can a landlocked aquarium match one that opens directly onto the ocean?), and generally walking with each other.  It was too short a time, but a good visit.

then there's been this week, a week already filled with meetings and conferences and one goodbye party that was called a "congratulations" party with the people in my department.  At a local pub.  Where the die hard of us stayed until 11, drinking pints and talking about movies and reality tv and cartoons and asian studies and cooking shows. I wish I'd discovered them sooner, as i had an absolutely wonderful night last night, but I'm paying for it now in terms of fatigue.  Not hung over, at all, just tired and a little dehydrated and not really in the mood to do any work, which makes it quite difficult since I'm supposed to be working quite hard.  And because I've actually figured out what I want to write about, like a central guiding thesis, you know?  Wonderful stuff, just .... not something I'm thinking about right now.

And the whole getting into college thing is wonderful, except that it's not.  I don't want to leave here, I don't want to move, I don't want to pack up our life just as we were comfortable living it and go somewhere else where we have to start over.  I don't want to tear Neil away from a place he likes too, tear D. from a place that she's considering home, and I am.  And sure, there are good reasons to move, but the flip side of it is that none of us are actually ready, not like we were in LA when we realized we needed to move or we'd ossify.  Maybe that will change in the next couple of months, or even in the next couple of days, but today the prospect just seems like I'm being a pain.  A selfish pain.

Uh, and that's a happy note.  Oh well.
Tags: phd program

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