The urgency is false and true at the same time. I can't resist the crisis mode I want to fall into, something, anything, to jack the adrenaline and move me. Something to motivate me towards things other than this online business and these kinky attractions and this life that takes place in bits and bobs.
This is what I wanted. I wanted this. This fear that I won't know enough in time, that I won't learn enough in time, that I'll freeze up and go blank, like I did today, again.
Sunday was supposed to be to catch up, but the only person I caught up with was myself. Not the Japanese speaking-Kate I hope is lurking somewhere inside. Maybe if I play the tapes at a sub-hearing range while I sleep I'll wake knowing my words? Wake refreshed and ready for testing and learning and homework.
I thought I'd gotten a grip today, for once. Finally remembered to do all the errands before I sat down to compulsively, selfishly (and so very self involved) check my email. Finally finished the to dos before I started on the want tos.
I forgot, I didn't plan, I messed up. Because it's 11:30 and I'm writing instead of learning, brain burned from too many flashcards already shoved into memory. I don't think I can accept any more. But there are another 50 or so terms to go for tomorrow. Another 150 things to remember, sounds to make and things to write.
Everything switched to slow jazz in my headphones and now it seems less scary, less urgent, more about getting the job done and less about the worry. Funny how a shift in sound will do that. Electronica to percussion to Miles Davis, and I feel like all isn't lost, that maybe, maybe, it'll all turn out just fine.
I need more Miles Davis, apparently. And less Kronos Quartet.