I went back over to the old house today to give him his birthday present, because it's his birthday, and because I'd bought him something and it was cool. We're doing ok. We check in on each other's lives. I only walk through the house once and glance into the bedroom.
And there is a little piece of artwork that Daria bought on my nightstand. And a candle.
In the empire of signs we live in this may not look like much. But men don't use candles much when they're sad, and Neil particularly hasn't in the past ever used them.
Which means that Daria is bringing them into what used to be our bedroom, setting them down on what used to be my side of the bed, and in all likely hood, she's staying.
I have no idea if it's in a sexual capacity or not. I tend to think no, because that's even more fucked up than fucked up could be, less than a week after we break up.
On the other hand? I wouldn't exactly put it past her to pull something like that. Or to attempt it. Or to be sleeping in our old bed in some warped and fucked up attempt at comfort that has more to do with her own selfish crap than anything else.
And it made me cry.
Also, while I'm getting things off my chest, I have something to share. Because fuck it, this is my journal and I'll share it.
[words in brackets are my own translation of her typing as i'm fairly sure she was drunk]
Daria: Hi ... You there?
Kate: i am! at least for a min or two
how are you?
Daria: I'm ok.
Just want to know that you're ok
you haven't called
Kate: i'm doing ok - one day at a time mostly
Daria: or written
I love you
Kate: this is true. i kind of needed to take a break.
i love you too
Daria: I understand that you need a break
but I really love you
and the dog is becominb unbearable [becoming]
Kate: lots of barking?
Daria: I know that you and Neil broke up. Yes, lots.
The think is that my life is seriously impacted by what y'll di
[the thing is that my life is seriously impacted by what y'all did]
Kate: sorry lady, i know that's tough. and i'm sorry that i'm leaving her with you
Daria: I love you. So it's no sacrifice
Kate: i know your life is affected. but so is mine.
Daria: right. of course it is
fI'm trying to bridge a gap between us
And I'm not sure that you'll allow that to happen
Kate: ok, i hear that, but i'm not in a position right now to really do much but take care of myself.
Daria: jright. Am okay with that
I',m not enemy
[I'm not the enemy]
Kate: i don't think you are at all. but when you talk about my break up in terms of how it affects you as if i'm supposed to do something about that or offer comforting words? i don't have comfort for myself.
Daria: The truth is that you have treated me as a gateway to neil
Kate: this conversation is over.
Sent at 9:05 AM on Friday [this is where i closed the computer and walked the fuck away. Sadly or not gchat allows the other person to keep typing]
Daria: even though i was trying to ne YOUR friend
[even though i was trying to be YOUR friend]
Please let me
don't go away
Now, for someone who I HAVEN'T FUCKING HAD A REAL CONVERSATION WITH IN ALMOST A YEAR BECAUSE OF HER OWN SELF INVOLVEMENT TO SAY I USED HER AS A FUCKING GATEWAY TO MY OWN BOYFRIEND? fuck her. fuck her.
Yeah, so, she is no longer my friend. I let Neil know that I don't want to be back in the house if she's there and he's not. I didn't want to repeat what she said, so I just said that she was saying hurtful things and that I didn't want to get into it. But having thought about the fact that my old nightstand is getting colonized with her stuff? That makes me want to email him the conversation so he can see how determined she was to make it about her and how determined she was to go for my throat (because even though it may not seem like it, that's exactly what that was - she was trying to hit me where she thought it would hurt the most... just like the one argument where I was calling her on the fact she'd been drinking and she started to talk about my weight - she goes for the emotional jugular to throw one off base).
It's not an impulse I'm going to actually engage in. That's why I'm posting it here instead, to you guys. But fuck her. Fuck that. Fuck this. I have homework. gah.