but i can't hit the back button because this isn't a story, this is real life. it was mine.
He fucked her. He fucked her the first year she came to live with us. I don't know how often or in what detail other than the fact that the new years after she moved in with us they'd fucked. and more after that.
I screamed at him today. screamed and cursed and screamed and let my rage overtake me. I screamed and cried and rebutted every one of his stupid selfish pathetic justifications for an act that had no justification. That never had any justification.
I will never get the last four years back. I could have had the last four years to start my life in a different way, and he took them from me in acts so cowardly, so spineless.
Everything. Everything that I have felt guilty about was never my fault. trying to bridge the gap of a relationship with someone who had his dick in someone else?? no wonder it never went anywhere, no wonder it never got better, no wonder it all felt so pointless sometimes.
He made me doubt myself. She looked me in the eye on a daily basis. They both called my emotions into question.
It isn't my fault. None of it. I just spent four years trying to make something work to the best of my abilities that never had a chance of working in the first place. That was over four years ago but that I was never given the courtesy of knowing was over. And he was too spineless to do anything about it but turn further into a shell. the shell of the man I once, many years ago, might have loved.
also posted to dreamwidth | you can reply here or there | um, but don't worry, i'm still an lj girl