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04 September 2010 @ 12:14 pm
i've come to a curious turn of phrase  
Reading too much Tolkien will do that, but I've read the three books of the Lord of the Rings again as they are as much comfort fic for me as anything else is in this world.  And there is a silly poetry to all the long sentences with their endless commas.  Of course it's been years since I'd sat down and read them and now half the kisses of comfort I see as the love of two men (or two hobbits) for each other.  And dude, both Faramir and Eowin were in love with Aragorn and I find it charming and sweet.

I got my house key yesterday to my new place, and tomorrow me and four friends will arrive in the early morning to go through the great host of crap I call my things and move them.  By tomorrow night I'll be sleeping in my new place with my books and my dog.

in response to the emailed words from Neil that went like this: " I wish I could turn back the clock and make everything better. I still love you..."

I wrote this:
my wish is that you had been honorable enough to have been honest with me when it might still have mattered -- and had let me choose my own path with ALL the information instead of leaving me in the dark, expending energy and time and hope on trying to make something work that had failed for you much earlier. that's what hurts the most.

i've deleted and pasted that last paragraph three times, but fuck it, it's the truth as far as it goes.

in response to the absolute lack of response from Daria the broken woman I tried to help who screwed me over instead, who apparently wants me to stay out of her room when I'm picking up my things from the apartment tomorrow, I would have said this:

I will respect this request because I am honorable and would not do anything that I would regret. Not because you deserve it, because you are faithless, and deserve nothing, particularly not privacy or my kindness or my respect since you violated my privacy, took advantage of my kindness, and shat on my respect. You have so little of those qualities that nothing you do to patch the rents in your soul will ever shore them up, and this is why even in the midst of success you believe it will all be torn away. Because it will - the universe does not suffer fools like you to live without a basic understanding of their own wretchedness. This is why you have nightmares, because every morning you wake up knowing how damaged you are - it swims up from your unconscious to choke you. This is why you feel so very alone - because whenever someone has reached out to you to help you find your way you have poisoned them and the only way they can escape is to fight away from you and leave you behind. This is why you have to burn candles every night - to drown out the toxic stench of your psyche that sweats out of your body. You can never be free of the horror that is your own actions, and I hope you grow old knowing every day that the misery you live in is entirely of your own making and utterly deserved. I once thought I could help you find the strength within yourself to face your fears and your regrets and your own damage so that you might someday be healthy, but I know now that it is impossible because you are rotten and twisted and even your best intentions will come to ruin because it is you who will ruin them. I look back now at the many years you claimed friendship and the only thing I am glad of is that I will, someday, be completely and utterly free of you.

But I deleted it from the email because it wasn't going to her and while I write these things out for my own therapy, she certainly doesn't deserve the satisfaction of getting communication from me.

so yeah, um, Tolkien infection!  It'll pass soon I'm sure.

also posted to dreamwidth | you can reply here or there | um, but don't worry, i'm still an lj girl
Kat: You're the Best!seductivembrace on September 4th, 2010 03:26 pm (UTC)
Sweetie, all I have to say is you're a waaaaay better woman than me. My response to "him" would have been a whole lot of dubya tee effs and I would have sent what you deleted to that "woman" - for want of a better word to describe her. But then, I've never claimed to be nice when I've been wronged... especially to the nth degree that you received.

Here's massive, squishy *HUGS* for you. Oh, and Tolkien is the best. ^_~
my monkied brain: _nihon-flowerkatekat1010 on September 4th, 2010 03:37 pm (UTC)
LOL. thank you darling - it's tempting to send it someday, but i think i'll wait until after i've got my stuff out of the apartment. Then, perhaps then, she'll be getting something that reflects what I feel. Cuz i don't think she shoudl get to get off scott free. He's paying, with money and inconvenience, though it will not ever really cover what he did, i also don't want to look back and regret how i acted, ever, you know?

and Tolkien is SO the best!!! &hearts
literate and stylish: wes - still a watchermishloran on September 4th, 2010 03:32 pm (UTC)
Good on you for sending that email to The Heartless Bastard (to speak of love and to betray as he betrayed you?!! *ptuh*), and better on you for not sending that email to That Bitch, although totally understand the process of writing it out. It's really important to do that. You have no idea how many messages I have saved in my phone, unsent but saved... the process works, you just have to become not involved enough to press 'send'. I know you wouldn't, because you're a good person and even though they deserve it, so utterly and totally, you're above them.

I'm, once again, astounded and so sorry that you have to go through this, you do not deserve to be treated in this manner by ANYONE, let alone by people you have been so kind, so wonderful, so understanding, so loving to.

Can I also say that it is really good you're moving with your dog. She's your puppy and your rock. As a dog owner myself, there's a lot of things I probably would still be crying about if it weren't for his quizzical looks, his nuzzley nose and his pettable ears. Even if he is a daft bugger and I could easily live without his madness most days! Plus the routine of walkies? Sometimes you just need to Go For A Walk, in order to get out of the house if nothing else!!

Good luck tomorrow my darling, really best of British. It will be hard, but it will be good to have it all Done, and that part of your life behind you so you can begin to live as Future Kate, and, in time (a great deal of time, most likely), hopefully be able to remember the good bits of your past without the horrific bitterness, pain and damnedable suffering of more recent events. If you need me, I'm on gmail and facebook QUITE a lot, although possibly not on at the times you are... anyway it seems you'll be busy sorting stuff out.

You know, I write these little missives to you knowing that they're going to sound really, really hollow and empty and cursing that I cannot be there for you, even if you didn't want me to be there, giving you hug and hair pettage and my totally unconditional friendship.

Mostly. *huggles and pettage and curls around you* doesn't quite cover it. xxx
my monkied brain: Mish Rockskatekat1010 on September 4th, 2010 03:50 pm (UTC)
I've come ** this close to asking him to stop writing love at the end of his emails because he has absolutely no idea what it is, and he makes a mockery of it every time he uses it. But whatever, they're just words (and boy, didn't I learn THAT the hard way?).

And you're so right about the writing of it out. I'll probably end up putting things here instead of deleting them (though perhaps in the future under friends lock if i make a 'kate is being whiny filter'?). The other day while I was driving to school I did a little bit of imagining the conversation I'd scream at her if I saw her face to face too. And felt much better afterwards.

Thank you lady, for reminding me about the important stuff - that i don't deserve ever to be treated this way!

And I completely agree about the dog - part of the reason why I'm taking her even if I'm sure I'll become tired of having to walk her every morning and evening all by myself you know? But she is a goofy wonderful fuzzball and I love her dearly, from silly ear tufts to dorky tail. And you're right about the needing to Go For A Walk - I think that will be good for me too.

Thank you for the luck dear lady!! I probably woudln't be able to do it but for the fact that I'm bringing a (very small) army of friends at my back, and they all will remind me of the possibility of Future Kate if I forget myself being back in that space and dividing up the things of the last 15 years.

And your little missives to me? You are SO wrong about how they sound - they sound really, really, really good! You remind me how to be strong and that I am already, and I feel as if I have Mish!cheer to buoy me up, a fact for which I'm intensely grateful. Because we are not alone, even if we're across a frigging ocean - you've got me too and I feel as if I've got you, and the virtual pettage and the seriously wonderful friendship is seriously awesome, and means more to me than i can say.

*squishing you to a million pieces*
EB: Queen of the Social Lepers: kate rocks (take 3)elizabuffy on September 4th, 2010 05:07 pm (UTC)
One of the many things I adore about you is how beautifully eloquent you are. The missive you wrote to Neil was wonderful.

What I have to say may not be popular, but...here goes:

As far as daria is concerned, blegh. If, after you are all moved out, it would make you feel better to rant at her, I say go for it. However, she's too much a self-centered shell of a person for it to do much more than make her angry. That's the part that really pisses me off. She needs to feel all the pain and suffering she put you through. One day, I hope she does.

But, really, as long as you never have to deal w/ her again? Do what helps you heal, I say. You're far more important than she is.

your royal pie-nessentrenous88 on September 4th, 2010 11:12 pm (UTC)
*hugs super tight*
BJ: Time For Touchy Feely Is Overdara_starscream on September 5th, 2010 12:23 am (UTC)
I take it "fuck off, you slobby, drunken, worthless foreskin infection and by the way your things are crap" just wouldn't get it done?

He might still love you . . . but proof is in action, and his actions say he's still looking for a way to weasel out of guilt for hurting you. The sad fact is his love for you is not preventing him from behaving like a toad; it's made of very cheap stuff. You're better than that.

You might have to be the one to sever communication; it might not be a bad idea to hang on to any ranting. Neil might be enough of a guilt-weasel to keep trying aforementioned weaseling as long as there's the slightest chance he thinks it could work.

In any event, hug the dog and do what you gotta do. (snuzzle)
gray_ghostgray_ghost on September 5th, 2010 03:38 am (UTC)
Wow...have you met Neil? Because you totally nailed that part of his personality.
disco_floozydisco_floozy on September 6th, 2010 01:39 am (UTC)
Sweetie, you are a nicer (and more articulate) person that I. I don't think that this Daria chick is gonna pay one whit of attention to your email should you decide to send it. It would just be something for her to twist for her own attention seeking purposes. Writing it out for your own mental and emotional benefit is more than good enough - at this point it's all about helping you, not her. Even if she could benefit from some home truths or a shiv to the gut. (Toothbrush and pencil sharpener, that's all I'm saying) Sounds like she's nowhere near ready to face her own reflection and you'd just be speaking to the wind anyway.

As far as he is concerned - well, his was the worse betrayal and I'm still too mad not to add anything more constructive than those words would be lovely carved on his torso.

On an only slightly related note: I'm 27. The only memory I have of my father is when I was 3 and he beat my mother in front of me. He never paid child support and when I was 19 and he was finally sued for back support I got to see him. He never looked at me in the courtroom and as he walked out he said "Nice seeing you." Again without actually looking at me. I guarantee you he could not have known which daughter I was if his life was on the line. I had written him a letter in the similar vain of your writing to Neil with a twinge of your unsent Daria letter. I gave it to him with a pounding heart. I never heard back from him and I'm pretty sure he threw it away, if he even finished reading it.

I mention this because I needed to write that letter to my father for my own piece of mind. I gave it to him in hopes that he would read it and understand in the smallest part how much pain he had caused. That hope was in utter vain. It made me feel better to write it but giving it to him changed nothing except for that. I could've gotten the same end result from holding on to the letter.

Or perhaps not. My grandfather read the letter and asked for a copy of it because he was so proud I had written it. I felt like I had at least tried and the last tendril of hope for my father that I hadn't really known I was harboring died. So, maybe it was a pyrrhic victory at best.

So I guess why I told you that was to say that if writting something and giving it to Daria will help your own piece of mind, let that last possibly unknown tendril of hope for something go, then do it. As I said earlier - it's about you and what you need to do for you at this point. Sit on the email for awhile. It won't change a damn thing for her but it might for you and that's all that matters. Or just write it out and ritually burn it. That would work too.

dhranstzdhranstz on September 8th, 2010 12:40 pm (UTC)
Rereading the Lord of the Rings is very satisfying. Good intentions, blessed, bad intentions, punished. Only 30 boxes of books? Double shelved? Do you have any space for more? Stay with the kindnesses, the rewards (ultimately) are much greater than the bad karma from negative actions. Back to work for me.