I got my house key yesterday to my new place, and tomorrow me and four friends will arrive in the early morning to go through the great host of crap I call my things and move them. By tomorrow night I'll be sleeping in my new place with my books and my dog.
in response to the emailed words from Neil that went like this: " I wish I could turn back the clock and make everything better. I still love you..."
I wrote this:
my wish is that you had been honorable enough to have been honest with me when it might still have mattered -- and had let me choose my own path with ALL the information instead of leaving me in the dark, expending energy and time and hope on trying to make something work that had failed for you much earlier. that's what hurts the most.
i've deleted and pasted that last paragraph three times, but fuck it, it's the truth as far as it goes.
in response to the absolute lack of response from Daria the broken woman I tried to help who screwed me over instead, who apparently wants me to stay out of her room when I'm picking up my things from the apartment tomorrow, I would have said this:
I will respect this request because I am honorable and would not do anything that I would regret. Not because you deserve it, because you are faithless, and deserve nothing, particularly not privacy or my kindness or my respect since you violated my privacy, took advantage of my kindness, and shat on my respect. You have so little of those qualities that nothing you do to patch the rents in your soul will ever shore them up, and this is why even in the midst of success you believe it will all be torn away. Because it will - the universe does not suffer fools like you to live without a basic understanding of their own wretchedness. This is why you have nightmares, because every morning you wake up knowing how damaged you are - it swims up from your unconscious to choke you. This is why you feel so very alone - because whenever someone has reached out to you to help you find your way you have poisoned them and the only way they can escape is to fight away from you and leave you behind. This is why you have to burn candles every night - to drown out the toxic stench of your psyche that sweats out of your body. You can never be free of the horror that is your own actions, and I hope you grow old knowing every day that the misery you live in is entirely of your own making and utterly deserved. I once thought I could help you find the strength within yourself to face your fears and your regrets and your own damage so that you might someday be healthy, but I know now that it is impossible because you are rotten and twisted and even your best intentions will come to ruin because it is you who will ruin them. I look back now at the many years you claimed friendship and the only thing I am glad of is that I will, someday, be completely and utterly free of you.
But I deleted it from the email because it wasn't going to her and while I write these things out for my own therapy, she certainly doesn't deserve the satisfaction of getting communication from me.
so yeah, um, Tolkien infection! It'll pass soon I'm sure.
also posted to dreamwidth | you can reply here or there | um, but don't worry, i'm still an lj girl