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21 April 2011 @ 01:23 am
oh the many many things  
things that have been stressing me out
  • taxes.  the government asked for a whole lot of money.  no mistakes.  i spent a day freaking out.  i'm still freaked out. mom is helping me, and so now i feel guilty that she's helping me, guilty and grateful
  • advisor.  it's not over till it's over.  but then it's not over, it's in this weird limbo where i'm not sure if i should move forward like she's not here or like she's going to be here some how.  i don't email her and she doesn't email me right now. 
  • paper for advisor. i had no idea what texts i was going to work on.  though, see below because that got better.
  • paper for non-advisor.  well, i was freaked out by advisor. and pissed off.  it's very difficult to even think about writing something when you got told you're not supposed to be doing.
  • money.  always money. i wish i was better with it, and i wish i had just a smidge more of it each month so i wouldn't have to be quite so careful about every single thing i do.  and sadly the cost of quitting smoking was basically entirely eaten up by the rise in gas, so i feel like i'm not making any many gains in things like that.  grrr.
  • my face. oh my god, i am having a terrible break out - like acne like i haven't had since high school. it makes me feel uncomfortable, my face literally hurts, and i'm trying to drink more water, wash my face twice a day, and be patient enough not to hate myself or be all self conscious, but it's really, truly difficult. (sadly this may be a manifestation of all of the stress from the above, but it's making me feel somehow young and out of control at the same time i feel too old to be having these problems.)
  • final project in the linguistics class is going to be like 20 pages of translation - a longer task than i've ever done before, by about 4 times
  • having to make a decision about summer - i'll get to that later ... pro and con lists, they're awesome!

things that have been going right
  • found texts for advisor!paper. TODAY I found them! I found one that is littered with letters, another short story that has male voice in letter, and i have a bunch of other books that i lugged home today that have more things for me to discover.  it was a very productive research day.
  • met with professor for other class and feel confident about my paper, despite what advisor said (and managed not to bring up what advisor said to professor, because i DO NOT want to get into a he-said, she-said debate)
  • haven't smoked.
  • have been walking the dog in appropriate amounts so she is healthy and mostly happy (she wants to eat squirrels! i do not let her! i am evil!) 
  • accomplished like a billion things off of my 'to do list' including fixing a lot of things that needed to be sewn, so i have a sun dress and favorite jammie pants back
  • friends don't seem to mind be holding it against me that i have been hiding for the last couple of weeks (because of the aforementioned stuff) and are awesome anyway
  • [community profile] summer_of_giles is open!! and people are actually singing up!  i'm so excited our little corner of fandom has strong willed awesome people who keep the love alive

NOW, you ask yourself, what about summer?  I'm asking myself that very question.  I thought I'd settled it for myself - I was going to do the program I could afford, that I was comfortable with.  But I got thrown back into confusion today after meeting with the grad advisor in our dept because he really thinks it would be a good idea if i go to Japan this summer.

Here's my pros and cons list of the choice i have to make

Summer in Japan

Summer in California





Top rated program

I'm on the waiting list

(not in yet)


Not as good as JProgram

Better Japanese training

More expensive*

Learned a lot of Japanese last summer

Not as prestigious

* In * Japan

Radiation?/Power outages / food issues?

Costs covered by funding

I've already gone one summer

Adviser wants me to go

* In * Japan

Housing / food covered by program


Looks better on CV

Higher stress

Close to family


Can do my own research while I'm in Japan

Have to arrange a lot more (housing, food, etc)

Will still improve


College-level work (not undergrad)

 I've already paid $250 for California program, nonrefundable



I will learn more here




* more expensive, although grad advisor says he can get money from the department to help me pay the higher expense.

this list? does not really help me.  And I've talked to five people about going - 2 are for going to Japan, 3 are against it.  Japan has more pros AND more cons - how does one balance that all out? 

Gah.  it all makes my brain hurt quite a bit...

also posted to dreamwidth | you can reply here or there | um, but don't worry, i'm still an lj girl
literate and stylish: buffy librarymishloran on April 21st, 2011 04:27 am (UTC)
I cannot help you. But I can offer, and indeed give, you online hugs and snuggles and love. **LOVE** **HUGS** **SNUGGLES** and tell you it will all be okay in the end. Because the universe has a way of putting us through hell and dragging us back, and when we end up back, we're different, and better for it.

Also Jetdog loves the squirrels.

Also also, re: quitting smoking: NICE ONE! That's really awesome. And, yeah, the gas cancels the cost out, but imagine how much you'd have to be scrimping and saving and stressing out if you were trying to afford both? :S I know it is not a bright bright side, but there you go.

**SNUGS** (again)
Vertigoakavertigo on April 21st, 2011 08:21 am (UTC)
I'm all for promoting travel at every opportunity, but the money issue can't be ignored. The financial hurt is the only major downside I see in comparison to the benefits.

I'm sorry I can't help with the rest of the stress. :( What kind of face products do you use, anything by Clinique?
(no subject) - shehasathree on April 21st, 2011 09:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
brutti_ma_buonibrutti_ma_buoni on April 21st, 2011 02:05 pm (UTC)
I hate to say it, but 'higher stress' might be the killer, if you're already feeling it. I guess it depends if you respond well to that kind of stress, or if you've ever had real negative stress-responses. (See me project my issues, but go with it). But if you can see a path and it's beckoning, maybe go with it anyway. What do I know?

But summer_of_giles is something I know, and I see it looking very healthy, which makes me very happy!

sahiya on April 22nd, 2011 01:58 am (UTC)
I can see how going to Japan this summer of all summers would be very daunting. Can I ask what your goals are with the language? Do you need to be totally fluent or just read it at a very high level?
bexmaddybexmaddy on April 23rd, 2011 01:52 am (UTC)
I had to pay a ton of taxes too, after the d, I posted too many exemptions....super oops! I freaked out, absorbed, and am dealing with it (eating rice and beans = good thing I like rice and beans). I am soooo glad you are still not smoking. Come visit me, damn it!