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21 September 2011 @ 11:52 pm
Spending too much time on this  
The toughest part about dating again thing is that I can't figure out if I'm attracted to this guy or not.  Which probably means I'm not, right?  But then I think to myself that it's been a long while since I've looked at people and tried to figure out if I was attracted to them. I mean, a long while, since I've been in that place where attraction could actually *go* anywhere in a very very long time. 

Well, ok, no, that's not true.  I find people attractive all the time. Like the hot guy in my lecture this afternoon - if he'd wanted to make out for a while, I'd totally be ok with that.  And I've always had crushes on people in my classes, in a sort of 'oh, aren't they pretty?' kind of way.  I'd get all shy talking to them, boys or girls, but I wouldn't flirt with them or anything, I'd just be me because I had relationship!identity to fall back on.  But I definitely had types, and find people attractive. In a sexy way. But now I ask myself --  am I sure of my attraction to hot unattainable guy because I know he's unattainable, thus safe? 

Because I'm currently (this moment) not attracted to guy I went on a date with. And the way I'm feeling now, I'm not sure I was even during the date.  I think I was happy with the attention.  It was a relief to go out and meet a guy and have him be excited by me.  I haven't had that happen in a long time - the ex certainly was past that point.  It was cool again to get to flirt and have it be returned.  The possibility of *possibility* was exciting.
Note - I'm not looking for a love connection here.  I'm not even really looking for someone who I go to with my problems.  I'm looking for someone to date, and possibly have sex with.  They have to be able to speak in mostly complete sentences and display some reading skills just because I have to, you know, talk to them before and after, but this is not my search for the great romance of the century.  This is my opportunity to put all that stuff I've learned from fanfic about blowjobs into practice with human males.

So do I need to be attracted to him in the same way I'm attracted to random hot unattainable guy (or other people I've been attracted to over the years)? Or is it the 'any pizza is good pizza' motto I should run with here?

He's texted me a lot this week.  like annoying amounts. one friend says that's because he's really into me (which yes, good thing! yay!)  another friend notes that, while that means he's into me, i don't have to be into him.

i'll be honest, the texting thing? bugged the crap out of me.  kept interrupting me.

i think it might just be  a cultural thing - he has a smart phone, he is trying to be witty and flirty, i keep responding back.  but sunday, when i was trying to get work done? text. text. text. text. text. i stopped responding. then hours later... text.  i told him firmly that i had to work.  he texts me at midnight to see if i've gone to bed.  i told him 'lets check in later in the week to see about friday' and he texts me TODAY at 4:30 pm to say he's good for friday.  since he got my phone number he's sent me 65 texts. this is not to say i haven't been responding, i have, but in total i have sent him 40.  And most of mine are responses.

Now i'm dithering about second date.  my friends in relationships are encouraging me to go on a second date (the "hey, he's really into you" rationale that somehow feels a little bit like a bird in the hand rationale - like 'this one is clean and healthy, and you might not get another one like him' kind of feeling).  my friends who are not in relationships are wondering along with me if its worth it (the "hey, my time is valuable, and so is his for that matter, and if i'm already bugged, get it over with now" rationale).

anybody else want to weigh in?

also posted to dreamwidth | you can reply here or there | um, but don't worry, i'm still an lj girl
Taraelementalv on September 22nd, 2011 05:25 am (UTC)
If you aren't feeling it, you aren't feeling it. At least let him know that on your end, the attraction isn't there, but maybe you'd still like to hang out.
my monkied brainkatekat1010 on September 24th, 2011 02:26 pm (UTC)
yeah, see, i wouldn't actually pick him to hang out as friends, just because we come from two separate points of view.

that being said, you're right. i stopped prolonging the pain. it only too like 10 text messages! ;)
i will write in words of fire: [dw] things are a little crazy right nowposhlil on September 22nd, 2011 06:28 am (UTC)
That's a tricky question. The am i/aren't i, I mean. I usually know immediately if I am or not, but there have been times (I think while I was in the depths of depression) that I've literally had a lightbulb moment six months down the track and gone "Holy shit. How long have I felt like THIS about them?" But I'd say off the bat, yeah, it probably means you're not. at least not right now.

I think in some ways it's kind of harder to be in the position where you're only looking for someone to hang out with, laugh with, drink with, and have sex with. I know I always felt pickier about different things with casual dates, like how annoying their laugh was, or whether I could stand their perfume. I don't know about anyone else but I was always much more forgiving of people I thought had long-term potential. I liked my partners sweet and thoughtful and my fuck buddies hot. (And that opens you up to a whole realm of shallow that always made me feel like I was being way too judgemental, but hey. I'll can admit to a certain amount of superficiality. I've got big shoulders.)

I had a clingy boy once, who called ALL THE TIME. Every night. I ended it after a couple of weeks, because I just couldn't stand the feeling. It's another of the reasons why stalker!rl friend pissed me off so much. I've grew up with a single parent who couldn't manage her own life. I learned to be independent. I don't need anyone to come along and take that away, not when I fought so hard to emerge whole.

So what I've learned over the years is no, not all pizza is good. I think the best advice I can give is the trite 'do what feels best for you'. You probably already know it, or you wouldn't be spending so much time thinking it over.

(Also your tag. A+!)
gray_ghostgray_ghost on September 22nd, 2011 10:10 am (UTC)
He sounds desperate and clingy. Desperate is never hot. I'd shop around some more.
EB: Queen of the Social Leperselizabuffy on September 22nd, 2011 10:30 am (UTC)
I completely agree. There's interested, and then there's desperate. This guy falls into the latter category.

littleotter73littleotter73 on September 22nd, 2011 10:39 am (UTC)
I not sure I should weigh in here, because it's been 19 years since I dated casually and even then it was few and far between, but, I have to agree that the whole texting thing is a bit... desperate. And while the occasional text is nice (saw this and thought of you), the constant barrage is definitely not appealing. It seems to me that he has no respect for boundaries, especially after being told that you were working and he texts again to see if you've gone to bed.

That alone would be a turn off for me. Add to that that you're really not into him, I'd set my vote to move on. Always trust your gut when it comes to this sort of thing.
berahtberaht on September 22nd, 2011 01:40 pm (UTC)
Your blowjob comment made me laugh. As to the guy, if you actually do put theory into practice, the texts will probably only increase. If he's bugging you now, it's only going to get worse. Either cut loose, or be completely frank with the guy and say you just want a lay. Being a woman, that might actually work out for you.
bexmaddybexmaddy on September 23rd, 2011 10:16 pm (UTC)
Ohhhh - yes, I can relate! With this one guy, I went on a first date and we had a lot in common, he was interesting and funny and attentive. And although I was happy to hang out w/him, I wan't sure I was attracted to him or not. We arranged a second date. In between the first and second date, he liked to IM me a lot when I was online. (A long side note on the texting/IMing - my exroomie formed relationships w/men by texting and such - I think texting bunnies like her, make for multiplication of texters, which is annoooying! But, unfortunately, part of the scene - and yes, it does totally mean he's into you). Anyways, on the second date I still wasn't sure - so at the very end of the date I went if for a kiss to answer the "am I into him question." Yeah, *it* soooo wasn't there. So, that was it. Yep. Kissing test, it works.