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21 April 2012 @ 04:29 pm
one minute post  
ok, so, managed to get a bunch of work done last week, have not done any today (because of fics below, OMG, but more on that in a second). I did, however, meet up with a friend I hadn't seen in like a month to have sushi wed, and on friday actually managed to do my laundry, read the intro for a book i'll be using on my paper, get four pages (out of 20) of a rough draft done, and talk to half a dozen friends because i'd asked the ex to help out with dog expenses and the resulting email got me a little tied up in my own head.

I found out (through much talking) that while it would be seductively easy to get back into a pseudo friendship with the ex, because i am used to communicating with him (particularly via email) and because on the surface he is *dead* easy to get along with, and it is totally seductive to do so, that

i do not need to be in a friendship with someone who

a) did not help me when i explicitly asked for help. This is one of my base expectations for friendship - even if that help is just sympathy, because that is what a friend can offer. But when I explicitly told him that living with Dar was causing me mental trauma/that i felt like I was being damaged by it/that i felt like i was losing something mentally because of it he did nothing to *help me*.

b) someone, anyone, who would, after knowing me for 15 years, think that I would prioritize being financially supported (his justification for not telling me he was no longer into our relationship) over being emotionally honest (and no, i'm not talking about telling me about sleeping with someone else, but telling me he was no longer romantically into me) is not someone who knows me. And is not someone who will ever know me. If he spent 15 years not learning that about me, it's not like he's going to suddenly change.

So, anyway, that was a choice. I just had to re-make it. Because his email was so chatty and genuine and the things that i used to believe were him being him. They probably still are. But not for me.

So, that was two days or so where I went back over my decisions about the way I'm currently structuring life, especially this connection to my past, and re-chose the choice I made when that relationship ended. And I think it is good and healthy to periodically check in with onesself and make sure the choices we choose are ones that are sound, emotionally. I am not perfect. For a long time I had convinced myself that the choice I was making to choose to stay in that relationship, even when it was sucking, was because we were trying together. I don't regret that. But now that I know that he fundamentally missed a major part of my emotional foundation, there isn't a reason to have to choose to be in something that did not work. Even when it feels like I am churlish for having done so, for being brief when he is chatty, for being on topic when he so clearly wants to go off of it and ramble, for asking only for what I need to maintain the dog and for not meeting his offer of friendship 'halfway'.

whew. no wonder I didn't really work last night. this was on my brain.

That being said, I have two recs from the same author that i just discovered today. WHITE COLLAR. One of them is a Star Trek reboot cross over, and OMG THEY ARE BOTH SO GOOD. You all probably have read them, but if you haven't YOU NEED TO. just be careful - they will suck you in and they're like 100,000 words each.

Contractual Obligations by Shaenie
White Collar // Neal/Peter/Elizabeth // NC17 // 56,664 words

The way Neal says it, though, amused and dismissive, is almost insulting. Of course Peter would never do such a thing, Neal's tone implies. Absurd notion.

Break down in the Shape of Things to Come by shaenie
White Collar (Star Trek crossover) // Neal/Peter // NC17 // 102,000

After the battle in the Laurentian System, the Defiance requires extensive repairs, leaving Captain Burke filling in at Starfleet Academy (whether he wants to or not), where he meets troubled half-Vulcan Neal Caffrey, under what are not the best circumstances for either of them.


also posted to dreamwidth | you can reply here or there | um, but don't worry, i'm still an lj girl
your royal pie-nessentrenous88 on April 21st, 2012 08:08 pm (UTC)
It is good to have those minor crisis of faith so that we can re-evaluate and feel more strongly about the wise decisions we've made. <3
my monkied brain: _felix the babykatekat1010 on April 30th, 2012 12:18 am (UTC)
Exactly!! I think it's healthy. Now, I wish it didn't come at the end of the semester, when I can't really bury my head in the sand, but whatever, such is life, right?
Lostgirllostgirlslair on April 22nd, 2012 01:08 pm (UTC)
OMG! I didn't even know you *liked* White Collar!! I was totally *just* talking about this show!! (And how I kind of wished I was in the fandom because Peter/Neal/Elizabeth has to be one of the most awesome things ever!) And here you are bearing long threesome fic! Seriously, are you an angel? You can tell me! I'll keep it quiet! :-D

*hugs you to itty bitty bits*

Also, it is totally important to check in on your decisions, and for what it's worth, you make good ones! *more hugs*
my monkied brain: WC_promo peter/nealkatekat1010 on April 30th, 2012 12:21 am (UTC)
OMG LIKE WHITE COLLAR/??????? LOOOOOOOVEEEEE WHITE COLLAR. Now I'm in the fandom in the way I'm in fandom right now, which is basically I dip my toes in a lot and have read some long fics (oh, and some crossovers). And I would *highly* suggest you check out Sam Storyteller's/Copperbadge's Exquisite! But only after you've watched seasons 1 & 2 all the way through, because Sam follows the season but with Neal/Peter/Elizabeth! They are SO the OT3 for that fandom, thank the gods.

*heeee, more fandom goodness!!* I'm so glad we are colliding on these things!!!!
Lostgirllostgirlslair on May 2nd, 2012 12:53 pm (UTC)
I totally need to rewatch, but as soon as I do that, I am so in!! I love those three together, because they're just so awesome and fun and all three of them work wonderfully. *nods*

Exquisite, got it! Is it on AO3?

I'm so glad we are colliding on these things!!!!

Me, too!! It's been far too long!! And it's so wonderful to have fic again, too!
my monkied brain: buffywill - *glomp*katekat1010 on May 2nd, 2012 04:24 pm (UTC)
lol, right??? omg, they are so awesome. and i love that fandom doesn't deny elizabeth's awesomeness either.

so it isn't on AO3, but you can download a pdf of it here:


and i should find some of my other recs for you - will go look when i have a spare minute (which will be in july, i swear)!
Lostgirllostgirlslair on May 9th, 2012 02:56 pm (UTC)
and i love that fandom doesn't deny elizabeth's awesomeness either.

That all by itself is a great reason to read in that fandom! I will have to hunt down some fic when I have breathing-time! :-D

I have totally grabbed that fic and I will devour it just as soon as I can rewatch. *whimpers*

will go look when i have a spare minute (which will be in july, i swear)!

Don't feel bad. Same here, sweetie! You'll do awesome, though. *nods*
Blueblue_meridian on April 27th, 2012 10:03 am (UTC)
D and I are unlikely to break up at this point (but isn't it always unlikely until it is?) but I do occasionally cringe at the thought of the pets if something happened to one of us, particularly the pups. It's probably better than it would have been at one time, but we used to split their care so evenly, and him taking them hunting was so integral to their fitness, that caring for them would have been very much like suddenly becoming a single parent and changing your lifestyle to accommodate that.
my monkied brain: _domino2katekat1010 on April 30th, 2012 12:25 am (UTC)
I think you're gonna be ok, but yes, the pets are a thing. Especially when you split their care!

Well, or perhaps not - this is another one of those things where had I been paying attention to my subconscious I would have known the breakup was coming -- after having Domino for like a month, I knew that even though she loved Neil to distraction, she would be my dog if something ever happened. And that was like a year and a half before we moved to LA and I started to admit to myself there were cracks in the relationship.

I will say she's also been my savior in helping my life have an external structure post breakup. It is very important to get out of bed when if you don't someone is going to pee on the floor, you know?