I found out (through much talking) that while it would be seductively easy to get back into a pseudo friendship with the ex, because i am used to communicating with him (particularly via email) and because on the surface he is *dead* easy to get along with, and it is totally seductive to do so, that
i do not need to be in a friendship with someone who
a) did not help me when i explicitly asked for help. This is one of my base expectations for friendship - even if that help is just sympathy, because that is what a friend can offer. But when I explicitly told him that living with Dar was causing me mental trauma/that i felt like I was being damaged by it/that i felt like i was losing something mentally because of it he did nothing to *help me*.
b) someone, anyone, who would, after knowing me for 15 years, think that I would prioritize being financially supported (his justification for not telling me he was no longer into our relationship) over being emotionally honest (and no, i'm not talking about telling me about sleeping with someone else, but telling me he was no longer romantically into me) is not someone who knows me. And is not someone who will ever know me. If he spent 15 years not learning that about me, it's not like he's going to suddenly change.
So, anyway, that was a choice. I just had to re-make it. Because his email was so chatty and genuine and the things that i used to believe were him being him. They probably still are. But not for me.
So, that was two days or so where I went back over my decisions about the way I'm currently structuring life, especially this connection to my past, and re-chose the choice I made when that relationship ended. And I think it is good and healthy to periodically check in with onesself and make sure the choices we choose are ones that are sound, emotionally. I am not perfect. For a long time I had convinced myself that the choice I was making to choose to stay in that relationship, even when it was sucking, was because we were trying together. I don't regret that. But now that I know that he fundamentally missed a major part of my emotional foundation, there isn't a reason to have to choose to be in something that did not work. Even when it feels like I am churlish for having done so, for being brief when he is chatty, for being on topic when he so clearly wants to go off of it and ramble, for asking only for what I need to maintain the dog and for not meeting his offer of friendship 'halfway'.
whew. no wonder I didn't really work last night. this was on my brain.
That being said, I have two recs from the same author that i just discovered today. WHITE COLLAR. One of them is a Star Trek reboot cross over, and OMG THEY ARE BOTH SO GOOD. You all probably have read them, but if you haven't YOU NEED TO. just be careful - they will suck you in and they're like 100,000 words each.
Contractual Obligations by Shaenie
White Collar // Neal/Peter/Elizabeth // NC17 // 56,664 words
The way Neal says it, though, amused and dismissive, is almost insulting. Of course Peter would never do such a thing, Neal's tone implies. Absurd notion.
Break down in the Shape of Things to Come by shaenie
White Collar (Star Trek crossover) // Neal/Peter // NC17 // 102,000
After the battle in the Laurentian System, the Defiance requires extensive repairs, leaving Captain Burke filling in at Starfleet Academy (whether he wants to or not), where he meets troubled half-Vulcan Neal Caffrey, under what are not the best circumstances for either of them.
(PONN FARR PEOPLE AND CAFFERY IS THE HALF-VULCAN. SOOOO WORTH IT)
also posted to dreamwidth | you can reply here or there | um, but don't worry, i'm still an lj girl