my monkied brain (katekat1010) wrote,
my monkied brain
katekat1010

utter goofy nonsense

from my lovely boyfriend, who sends me silly marginally tasteless things....


TEXAS CHILI CONTEST

*NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

 
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true  this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes  to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. 


These notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.  The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to  be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during  the tasting, so I accepted."


Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chili # 1 - Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two  beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are  crazy.


Chili # 2 - Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw  the look on my face.


Chili # 3 - Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my  backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all  of the beer!


Chili # 4 - Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. 
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills.  That 300-lb bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 - Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding  considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit  the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed  paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili  had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring  beer  directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.  It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 - Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through  the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally.   She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to  wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 - Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I  wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid  unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my  shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've  decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any  oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole  in my stomach.


Chili # 8 - Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold  but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor  hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell  over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going  to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
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